Denials.

     Yesterday was lot  of fun. I slept so late, but still woke up the time i usually did…maybe even earlier. For same random, but good, reason, I have this urge to read the Bible. John 18:25-27. Peter’s Second and Third Denials. Taking some time, just look into the words. “well, it doesn’t really apply to me,” I thought to myself. Its like one of those, just another day, another passage, and I am reading Bible cuz its good for me kinda feeling: got nothing out of it.  I mean, if people do ask me these days, “are you Jesus’ disciples?” i would yell out a big YES with no hesitation. Here in America, I don’t feel the pressure of being persecuted or just anything negative when I tell people about God and the whole Christianity thing. Then it suddenly hit me. “What does it mean by denying Jesus?” It cannot be just about saying the words: “I am not [one of his disciples].” Thinking back to the whole idea of Christianity as a life style not religion, “Can we deny Jesus in our action?” In other words, “are you acting like a Christian when you call yourself one?” I feel convicted. 

     This is something i definitely need to work on, to live more like a REAL Christian. “Man, its hard!” I said to myself. So I prayed to Him, seek His help. I thank Him for reminding me that I need to live a more Christian life. Then, I ask for strength and determination. I ask Him to guard my heart that I will not fall into temptations.

     “Jesus, I want to be more like you. I want to have a life style that glorifies you. so, mold me. Make me the way you want me to be. May my personal, worldly desire will not take over your perfect plan for me. You know what is the best for me, and i place my trust in your plan.”

How He answered me.

“²⁰I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ²¹A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ²²So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. ²³In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. ²⁴Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.”

John 16:20-24

[01.22.09] Lord, I can never cease to praise.

I praise you for everything that you’ve done for me. Through this 21-days fast, you gave me determination and the privilege to understand the TRUE MEANING and the POWER of prayer. I praise you for all the miracles you done TO me and THROUGH me. God, YOU ARE AMAZING.

 

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT AND MERCIFUL, ALWAYS BRING ME BACK TO YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I DRIFTED AWAY.

[12.28.08] Blessed

Where am i going...

                                                           [He is who he said He is...]

I am sooo BLESSED by Him. i am not going into details. but God is awesome (i kept using this word cuz i cannot find a better word to describe Him)!! i prayed and the prayer was answered in five minutes. He saved my butt every freaking single time!!! You can tell me that it is coincidence, but coincident doesn’t happen that often ya kno. Praise God.

                                                             [I don't understand....]

I think i am going back to the “I-think-she-is-better-than-me” state. I needa stop thinking. cuz it is not true. even if it is. i shouldnt be comparing. i am His creation, unique in my own way. but, theses thoughts are looping in my brain again and again. I don’t understand. why is it still there after all these years? I thought I already let go. or Maybe i didn’t? Maybe deep in my heart, I don’t want to. 

My guy friends always tell me that girls are hard to understand. I agree, cuz even I cannot figure myself out and i got confuse when i tried to dig deeper into my complex brain. I don’t know where this is going and i don’t know how to end this thing….

but i need to stop comparing myself to her pictures. stop trying to look like her.

Tell me how.

[12.03.08] He kept His promise

The reason why….       

reminds me of His promise..

I got this blog is because i see the need of writing down all those miracles that God had been doing in my life. Praying with my co-leaders, i realized how easy it is for me to just forget about the great things He had done to me and through me. Even though all those wonderful healings, prophecies, and restorations were so strong when they first occurred, they secretly “disappeared” in my memory as time went on. This blog will help me to remember how God had welcomed me into his kingdom again and again, after i got distracted, drifted away, and betrayed him for many times. It is a reminder of his grace, mercy, and joy….that everlasting love of His.

This is my story…

Past couple days, I have been filled with His everlasting peace and joy that i haven’t really experienced through out the quarter. Yes, this quarter had been really rough for me with heavy load of homework, dorm team, and just other stuff. I felt lost, confused, unsured about my future. Seeing my physics grade dropping regardless of how hard i tried, I did wonder …”God! what do you want me to do!!!!!” 

Last tuesday, after the quiz, i broke down. Walking out of the lecture hall, tears running down my face. Sitting right next to the fountain, the rain just made me cried even harder. I didn’t why i was crying. But i felt depressed, and failed by God. I thought in the Bible it said, “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all of it will be given to you as well.” Okay, God, I AM seeking your kingdom. Come on! I AM on dorm team. Why aren’t you giving me ANYTHING?? WASN’T THAT YOUR PROMISE???? I am not ganna lie, i was mad at him.

Yet, what i haven’t realize was that….maybe…i am not really seeking His kingdom at all. Seeking is not only about doing His work, but it is about your heart posture (cuz seriously, do you really think that God need us to do anything for Him?? lol). I am only seeking under the condition that He will give me the grade that i expected. Maybe…God wants me to learn how to let go of all the distractions in my life so i can fully belong to Him. THIS is how much He loves me. He does not want to share. All these maybes turned out to be true…

This week, as i was pushed to my limit, depressed, decided to gave up. I prayed to Him, “God, i cannot do this. I do NOT want to do it anymore. i am ganna give up. do WHATEVER you want.”

On tuesday, instead of skipping class (i usually do so i can study for my quiz), i went. Instead of studying, i took time off to pray and worship. However, during the quiz, i didn’t freak out like i usually did. I was still nervous, but i was calm. It was a very complicated feeling, a mixture of a little bit of every kind of emotions. After i finished, i said my last prayer to Him, “Lord, i’ve tried my best, i’ve done everything i can, i am going to give the rest to you. i will be content with whatever grade you want to give me. whatever is your will. LET IT BE DONE.” It was an hour before my grade came out, i worshiped, prayed, watched some drama, and got myself emotionally prepared for the outcome. I do need to be emotionally prepared because i did a lot better than i expected!!

I was filled completely with joy, not so much because of my grade but i realized that He does keep His promise. He had never left me.

I dance at His feet again...

My priorities changed. God>school (i wasn’t fully living it out before). This is why i am here writing this blog when i am suppose to be studying/sleeping early